


Winter

by Thegoldenrati0



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3213641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thegoldenrati0/pseuds/Thegoldenrati0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth, Sarah and Kira head out for a family walk when things take a turn for the tragic. Inspired by the song Winter written by the wonderful Bayside. Listen along for the full dramatic effect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They were only out for a walk. Sarah, Beth and Kira enjoying a crisp winters afternoon. The ground was frozen but the sky was its cleanest shade of blue. Sarah’s favourite kind of day topped off by her favourite ladies. Kira skipped ahead, exploring various off track areas in the nature reserve. The three of them were wrapped up in assortments of hats scarves and gloves. Beth’s arm linked through Sarah’s as they idled along.

"Don’t go too far ahead, Kira!"

Sarah called after her daughter who’s head was disappearing into a patch of scrub land. Beth leaned over as they walked to kiss Sarah on the cheek. They had really made something good for themselves. A (relatively) stable home, they had each other and the rest of clone club. They had Kira.

"Love you."

They both smiled knowing that it wasn’t as simple as a declaration of love. Sarah being the one to say it first was a direct reflection of how happy she was. She didn’t have itchy feet, she didn’t want to leave, she was content.

Following the curve of the path Sarah noticed Kira’s absence.

"Monkey?"

She was probably hiding in the grass waiting to scare the two of them. Kira had developed a little game with Beth where they both tried to scare the shit out of each other. Kira always won, her little person status meant she could hide in all sorts of places. Sarah had even helped. Her into the trunk of Beth’s car one morning before the cop went to work.

They carried on and she hadn’t made her move.

"Kira, come on out, love."

Mama bear Sarah was always a tad over cautious. The last few years had taught her it wasn’t irrational and it was forgivable to be on the safe side even if it was annoying.

"Sarah that lake, there’s ice on it."

"Nah she wouldn’t be that daft."

"Sarah…"

Their eyes fell on it at the same time. Their hearts stopped at the same time. The surface of the frozen lake was broken, water lapping over the edge of the cracks. It rippled like a rock had just been thrown into it.

Sarah took off first, her reactions always faster than Beth’s.

"Kira… KIRA!"

Grasping at the surface she dragged Kira’s hat out but her daughter wasn’t still attached to it. It was a devastating marker though. Sarah was frozen on the spot, the water was black and endless, her phobia keeping her locked up. Beth skid next to her and was already shrugging off her coat, understanding the situation.

"Move."

She pushed Sarah out of the way by her shoulders and jumped in. As fast as the two of them were there they were gone. Both swallowed up by the depths of the water. Sarah had never felt more alone. She fell to her knees, pounding on the thick ice, desperate to break it but failing. It didn’t stop her, she hit it harder, she stood up and tried to put her boot through it. Nothing.

The sound of gasps wheeled her around, it was Beth but she was alone. Drawing as much air into her lungs as possible.

"Where is she? Where’s my daughter!?"

Sarah was screaming but Beth had to ignore her, she had to get Kira back. The water was murky which made it all the more difficult. Her body was on fire ironically. Her skin was stinging, she was losing feeling in her limbs. Beth had only been in the water for two or three minutes. She shook the thought from her head.

Sarah still on her knees was leaned over, head on her hands as her punches lost their force. She sobbed tirelessly. She wasn’t stupid. The hope was still there but every second was more difficult than the last to get through.

Beth’s head broke the surface again, with one hand she clambered up out of the abyss the other hand was anchoring something. Someone. Crouching to the surface she used all her strength to drag Kira out. Sarah flying over to them both, clawing at Kira, wanting to keep her safe.

She sank to the ground, Beth was laying Kira on her back. Her eyes were closed, her lips were blue. Why were her lips blue?

"Beth?"

Beth’s fingers were against Kira’s throat, she was checking for a pulse. It was taking too long.

"Shit"

Her fingers now intertwined one atop the other. Christ, Sarah’s brain couldn’t process, she could only watch on in horror. Beth started to push onto Kira’s chest. Counting under her breath before she leaned down in a desperate attempt to breathe air back into her lungs. She didn’t stop yet, even though she could hear the water crackling inside them.

Sarah fell in front of them, she was getting in the way, she was just flapping around and Beth needed to focus. She took a second to push Sarah back. There was no time to apologise or explain.

Beth needed to stop. She was only drawing out the inevitable. Her own tears started to fall. Her shoulders shaking with the emotions she tried to contain. The little girl she had considered almost her own was gone.

"Why are you stopping? Bloody c’mon."

Sarah tried to repeat the CPR she had watched Beth administer. It was hopeless but she would never see it that way. Crawling around to her, Beth restrained Sarah’s arms and held hard as she fought to get away.

"Get off, get off me."

She thrashed and clawed, she tried to scratch and kick her way out of it but the fight was leaving her. Realisation hitting her. In the dead silence that had fallen, Sarah’s screams were amplified. She howled and threw herself protectively over Kira. Over Kira’s body. She tried to run her finger along the Kira’s nose, it had always helped her sleep before. Her skin was so cold. Sarah’s world was crumbling. There was no tomorrow without her baby.

Beth was sat with her head on her knees, she had wrapped her coat back around her shoulders to help prevent hypothermia. She was in shock, she couldn’t move, this couldn’t be happening. She reached into her pocket in a zombie like state, dialing 911. She spoke in monotone, it was the only way she could keep herself in one piece. For Sarah.

Sarah who’s cries were the most pain filled sounds Beth had ever heard. Utter devastation. There weren’t words for it. She was trying so damn hard to zip Kira’s coat up but her hands shook too much, eventually managing it.

She held Kira to her chest, rocking her baby back and forth just like she had done when she was a toddler. The despair crushed her even further when the memory of the day played back. It had been Sarah’s idea to go out for the walk. She had picked where and she had let Kira go up ahead.

Sarah had killed her own child.

She hadn’t heard the sirens or the approaching EMT’s. She couldn’t really hear anything but she felt strong arms try and pull her away from her daughter. Sarah fought back and threw herself over Kira. No one else could hurt her now. Nobody was allowed to touch her.

The arms were there again. Beth’s voice was in hdf ear. It broke through the cloud of grief.

"Sarah… Sarah, baby, let go. Y-you’ve have to let them take her."

Beth’s voice was as broken as her heart. She hadn’t been able to save her girl. She mustered her strength to pull Sarah up off the floor and into her arms. Supporting her weight and taking the thumps against her chest from the destroyed woman trying to hit her. They didn’t hurt. There was no force behind them. She just grabbed Sarah closer and wrapped her arms around her. Trying desperately to hold together the shattered pieces of the woman she loved.

"I’m sorry. I’m so sorry."

They cried into each other. How had had such a perfect day ended so badly.

"T-there’s nothing without her. Nothing."

They were loading Kira into the ambulance. No sirens were switched on. There was no need, sirens meant urgent care was needed. It was too late for that.

"It’s my fault."

Sarah squeaked into Beth’s chest just as the EMT wrapped a foil blanket around Beth’s shoulder s.

"We’re ready."

Beth navigated a trembling Sarah up the steps and into the truck. There were no monitors on, no beeps, no shouts of instructions. Just Sarah’s heart wrenching cries. Beth held her hand tightly, there was nothing to say but she needed her to know she was there and she wasn’t going anyway.

Beth held Sarah’s hand. Sarah held Kira’s


	2. Chapter 2

The day of Kira’s funeral.

The door slammed, there was no effort to soften the blow. Sarah kicked her boots off and dumped her jacket on top of them, using the wall to aid her unsteady feet. Her phone was waiting on top of the table, stabbing the middle button, a list of missed calls and worried texts beckoned her. She ignored them and traipsed into the kitchen taking orange juice from the fridge and slugging it straight from the carton. The cardboard tainted the flavour a little but it took the edge of the liquor burns.

“Sarah?”

She didn’t answer. Who else would it be?

“It’s 6am, we have to leave at 9.”

Sarah was fully aware of the time and scarily aware of the day approaching. It had started last night, when she knew what tomorrow brought clinging onto the pathetic idea that if she didn’t sleep the morning wouldn’t come. The alcohol had made time go faster and here she was.

“I know.”

She muttered, running a hand through her matted her.

“C’mon lets get you showered.”

“I got it.”

Beth’s heart was past being broken, there was practically nothing left of it. Just an empty gap in her chest filled with an unyielding love for Sarah and the ache of losing Kira. Sarah had shut her out, there was resentment there. They both knew it was irrational but Sarah’s hate for herself radiated into indifference towards Beth and it was destroying them both.

“Do you want me to-”

“I got it.”

She repeated leaving Beth behind without so much as a glance. She ran the shower and stepped in, not bothering to let the temperature adjust, she couldn’t care less. The icy first blast had Sarah’s fists clenched and her muscles stiff as her sobering mind flashed back to the feel of Kira’s frozen clothes, the way the water seeped through Sarah’s gloves as she clawed desperately to bring her baby back. The way the coldness wouldn’t leave her no matter how long she sat on the shower floor in Beth’s arms.

Washing the layers of grime off her hair and skin she stepped out to ready herself. Black jeans, black shirt, black jacket, it would do. She didn’t understand why people got dressed up so nicely for f- for days like this.

Beth appeared in the mirror behind her in a smart pants and a dark blouse with grey scarf. She placed her hands on Sarah’s shoulders but with the way they were shrugged off her touch might as well have scolded Sarah.

“You going to be warm enough?”

Beth was desperately trying to keep Sarah in one piece. It had only been a week or so since they lost Kira. Sarah was holding herself together with whiskey and the few half meals Beth could force her to eat. She’d leave the house, crash home whenever she saw fit, barely sober up and repeat.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Sarah-”

“Please, Beth. Not today, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Beth sighed dejectedly and grabbed the car keys, leaving the building to start the engine and defrost the frozen windshield. She had cleared out all the booze from the house in case Sarah decided she needed some liquid courage to get through the day.

Appearing in the passengers seat Sarah looked out the window. It was painful for Beth to see someone with so much life just existing through the days. They were blurring into one with no real concept of time other than the sun rise and sun set.

It was still snowing, the ground covered in a thick layer with a path cleared up to the cemetery. Jesus Christ. Sarah threw the door open and stood with her eyes closed, deep breaths. She felt like she was going to pass out, her head swirling as her the gnawing in her chest she had been subduing with alcohol kicked up again. Beth wasn’t crowding her, she never did that. She knew better but in a desperate moment of weakness Sarah reached out and silently took her hand. Squeezing it as if it were the only thing still holding her to this earth.

“I can’t… I can’t”

They didn’t turn to face each other, they didn’t move, they just stood side by side as Sarah’s breathing grew more erratic.

“I know, and that’s ok. I promise I’ll get you through this. I’ll keep you safe.”  
Sarah’s skin was void of all colour, side from the tips of her ears that were pink from the frost. She wasn’t sure her legs could carry her or that she’d even be able to stand upright when the time came.

“We’ll go when you’re ready.”

She took a few minutes, quashing emotions that threatened to explode from every pore of her skin. There was the force of a nuclear bomb in each of the atoms that made up Sarah.

Sarah would never be ready for this.

They walked along the path, hands still linked, Sarah drawing every ounce of strength she could from her rock of a woman supporting her.

Reaching the gate Sarah stopped short.

“I gotta do um… I just need to be…”

“I know. It’s ok, I’ll be close by.”

She let Beth kiss her forehead as her clone crunched along the snow to the marked out graveside.

“Get.it.together.”

She hadn’t seen anyone apart from Felix since Kira’s death and that was only when he came to get her from the hospital and she broke apart in his arms. What if their stares held silent accusations? What if they blamed her? Sarah blamed herself anyway so she probably deserved it.

Kira would tell Sarah to be brave.

She braced herself and stepped back along the path. Sarah kept her eyes locked ahead. The figures of her family appeared among the graves. She felt eyes on her, they didn’t know what to expect, turbulent Sarah could react in anyway, but in this instance she was making an effort to do the complete opposite and show nothing at all.

Alison and Cosima stood together arms around each other for warmth and emotional comfort. Felix and Mrs.S stood resolute together, both shedding mute tears despite the will to be strong. Beth hovered between the two groups, her only commitment was to Sarah.  
Sarah hadn’t faced Mrs.S since the day it happened, she couldn’t. She couldn’t look at the woman who had raised both Sarah and her daughter only to be the cause of Kira’s death. It was too much.

She stood herself the opposite side to the others, this needed to be between her and Kira. A mothers final good-bye to her daughter. It rang true more than ever that parents shouldn’t be the ones to bury their kids.

Sarah stuffed her freezing hands in her pockets and for the first time risked a glance around. The looks were sympathetic, all of the family shared in the grief, Felix nodded once in a gesture of love. He knew to keep his distance, Sarah would come to him when she was ready. She always did.

There was a lone figure directly opposite Sarah, equidistance away from the others.

Wearing a dark suit with slicked hair, she faced off with Cal. The others hadn’t seen him. Sarah had and she broke. She wanted his anger, she wanted him to charge across and tell her she was vile and an worthless mother who never deserved Kira in the first place. They were only things she had told herself but having someone else verbalize them would wound her.

Instead, the best man (apart from Felix) Sarah had ever known gave a small, heartbroken smile and left the way he came. Unnoticed to anyone but her. Cal knew the damage he was causing by being there, Sarah wouldn’t survive the service if he remained. He had paid his respects to the daughter. He would come back and mourn on his own time, for now, Sarah needed him gone.

Kira’s coffin was brought to the grave and Sarah’s legs gave way. She collapsed down to one knee. Just like the clones around her, their lower lips trembled in sync with each others. Entirely identical. Beth went to move across to Sarah but Felix held her back with a firm but also gentle hand. Felix knew. Felix always knew.

It was too small. Caskets were meant to be for fully grown adults. What an awful job it must be to craft the wooden boxes knowing their use. The snow was burning it’s way through Sarah’s jeans, she had to be better than this. Pulling herself upright she managed to stand and watch.

She ignored the load of bollocks that was being spouted about Kira being taken before her time. It cut too deeply. Sarah zoned out and made her own apology.

Hey Monkey, Mummy messed up and she’s really sorry, baby. She’ll never stop being sorry. It’s never gonna be the same without ya, pal. I know I’ll see you one day, I always come back for you, don’t I? I love you, Kira. We all do. Sleep tight, monkey.

Her internal monologue was the final nail in Sarah’s heart as they lowered Kira’s coffin into the ground, her fist was covered in the sleeve of her jacket which she rammed between her teeth to stop what would otherwise be wracking sobs.

Just like that it was over. It was time for them to go home and start rebuilding. Easier said than done of course. Sarah didn’t see a tomorrow, she didn’t see anything without Kira. There’d be no first day of high-school, no graduation, no future for either of them.

Sarah sighed and wiped away any remaining tears, she would walk home, Beth would understand. Turning in the opposite direction, she was called back. This was the last thing she needed.

“Hey, Sarah… Sarah, wait.”

She didn’t get far and was yanked around by Cosima who had sprinted across to her. She hadn’t worn eyeliner today knowing full well it would have run down her face with the emotions.

“Cosima, not now, please.”

Sarah made the plea with steel in her voice, she couldn’t break down again.

“Just wait. We miss you, you can come home, we’re all here for you.”

She opened her arms for an embrace that Sarah backed away from, she couldn’t take this. Everyone else respected her distance, why didn’t giant hearted Cosima not see it the same way. Hugs didn’t heal wounds like this.

“I can’t”

“We miss Kira too, we can help each other. You’re not the only one grieving.”

The words had come out in a jumbled sense, she hadn’t meant them in the way they would be perceived, instantly regretting them.

“Shit… Sarah I…”

It was over before it started.

Sarah’s fist balled in the front of Cosima’s jacket. She dragged her closer, eyes wide and nostrils flaring, Sarah had grabbed Benjamin in a similar fashion back when Rachel made her move against the family.

“Say it again. Go on.”

Tears were falling from both of them. Sarah’s grief manifesting firstly in repression and now violence.

Beth arrived first having mapped out the scenario. Unclenching Sarah’s arms and tugging her back, almost tripping over their tangled legs.

“Hey! Sarah come on. Not now. Don’t do this.”

Her rage was blinding her as she weakly struggled against Beth’s protective arms.

She gripped onto Beth and cried brokenly onto her shoulder. Sarah had almost knocked Cosima out in an unprovoked attack. What was she turning into? What would Kira say?

Cosima was dusting herself down looking a little terrified.

“I’m sorry, Sarah. I shouldn’t have. It came out wrong.”

Sarah nodded, words failed her but it was her way of apologising and forgiving at the same time.

“I’m gonna take her home.”

Beth informed the others as she wrapped her arms around Sarah and lead them back to the car.

For the first night since Kira past, Sarah stayed home. She slept in the bed that her and Beth shared, curling herself up in the tightest ball but holding Beth’s hand to her chest. It had taken hours to calm her down before exhaustion set in.

“I’ll keep you safe, sweetie.”

Beth kissed her hair and flicked the lamp off.

She almost missed the tiniest of “I love you’s” from Sarah as she drifted off.

“I love you too. One day at a time, baby.”


End file.
